Week 4...if by a week you mean 2 days of teaching

Greetings from under the snow! This week I taught Monday (after a two hour delay) and on Tuesday. On Wednesday and Thursday school was closed and on Friday we had an In-Service day (which I attended). I feel like I haven't seen my students in ages. You might think I wouldn't have very much to blog about, but on the contrary, I DO!

First I want to start off with something positive. For my "Impact on student learning project" I decided to see how kinesthetic/group work affects student engagement and participation. On Tuesday I initiated an active game to see “who was the best liar in the class”. I had students do the typical "2 truths & 1 lie" on an index card and circle around trying to fake each other out. (This activity ties into Huck Finn's characterization as he always seems to be boggled in some sort of lie in the novel). Students were laughing, buzzing around and even asking me "Does this have anything to do with the book? I want to know why we are doing this!" When I heard that I was so happy for the simple reason I want my students to come in my classroom never knowing what we're doing at first, but then make the connection and say "OOOOHHH, so THAT'S why she did that in the beginning!" (Similarly to what Dr. Galioto did in her class...we never knew where she was going at first, but then it all made sense in the end.) Since my students are so used to staying in their seats all period, I feel that this was a needed release of energy before we got down to business.

Also, this week I finally took over all of my classes. My periods 2 & 3 are considered lower level (though I think many of them could accomplish upper level courses)and they are reading (or not reading) The Giver. Having the students not read what they were supposed to kind of sucked, but luckily I had planned a writing lesson that tied into parts of The Giver that they were already aware of. In the novel where we are at, Jonas is beginning to feel pain and painful memories. I asked my students to take the last 15-20 minutes of class to write about their own painful memory (physical pain or emotional pain) in sensory detail. As I was explaining the assignment, one student who is usually an "issue" called out "No offense, but why do YOU want to know about our pain?" Without skipping a beat I just said “Well, it's easy to write about happy memories. And I figured since not many of you read the book you could write about something you really know about and can connect to." As it turns out, that student wrote the most heartfelt memory about a friend who overdosed on drugs. Another student wrote about how she watched her cousin be murdered in front of her, and another student wrote about how he'd been in the house while his older sister was being raped -- and how he blamed himself for not knowing or trying to stop it.

You can imagine how shocked I was at these responses. As I was reading them, I just wanted to cry or hug them. Sure, some students wrote a painful but funny stories about some freak accident or injury, but some of them were just so tragic…things that no one- let alone a fourteen year old KID should experience. But there they were...on my desk...all these painful memories that my students knew I was going to read. It made me feel closer to them. But at the same time I realized that I have barely scratched the surface with them... you really can't know a person in four weeks; it's impossible.

I know this is getting lengthy but I also want to take this opportunity to vent. No, vent isn’t the right word. Instead I’ll say, “voice my concerns”.
Now, I do like my co op as a person. She is a very nice woman. However she and I are very different in terms of personality and teaching style. Mind you, different is not bad; it's just different. Now for those who know me, you know that I am not the kind of person who needs instant positive feedback. In essence, I am not the kind of woman OR teacher that needs to be coddled. I enjoy constructive criticism because I wish to be a very reflective teacher. But these last few weeks have been tough.

I've been taking her advice and making a cognoscente effort to improve my instruction every day. But I feel like I just can't seem to do anything exceptional in her eyes. For example, when I was trying to be "tough" with my 6th period she said I "came off as overly frustrated and exasperated which made the kids want to push me more." She suggested I let some of the side conversations "go" or else I won't get anywhere. Then, when I tried to use this advice, the class was even more unruly and she said "you have to set rules and boundaries so they know whose boss." I realize that I need to find the balance, but she tells me one thing and then when I do it she tells me another.

I'm not delusional (I hope) and I can honestly say that I thought some of my lessons were pretty decent if not good. I’ve gotten students who never talk to join class conversation and I’ve given opportunities for cooperating work. Yet, all my confidence is lost between periods when my co op tells me only the negatives or "things I need to work on". YES, I realize this is a learning experience...Hell, I'm a STUDENT-teacher...but I feel like I'm starting to lose confidence in myself as a teacher because I find myself worried about her criticism and essentially, my final grade. And trust me, I KNOW that is backwards because the most important aspect of this process is the students and how they are learning from me.